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Diva Numbero Uno
Excerpt
Chapter One
from Stephen Berg's
Porno Diva Numero Uno
The last time Marcel and I played chess he commented with aplomb on the
absurdity of biking without shoes but that didn't stop him from losing
the game and as we finished our Buds it was evident that poor Marcel didn't
know shit about art all he did was talk about how terrible Monet's brushwork
was how great fingerpainting is how the beer was the perfect temperature
suddenly he began to explain The Large Glass I can only remember a few
fragments of what he said things like "light as light not painted"
and "only a dog can hear what I" and "the cracks were deliberate
a god" and "of course art can't" later we went back to
his place ate ham and cheese sandwiches and he expressed his belief that
love is really a nonsexual concatenation of unpredictable incidents leading
to sabotage however he did believe in children then suddenly he started
to discuss his last piece cloven hairless nature as a tomb backlighted
frontlighted technicolor porno sadness a frozen dance of inaccessible
fantasy and silence and how it forces you to peep Tom peep at it so that
you become the definition of the work I told him I have refused to look
all these years fearful and that the greasy stain caused by thousands
of faces pressed up against the holes in the door Cadaques Cadaques is
disgusting no Jew would place his eye against that kind of thing let alone
stare at a complete stranger stretched out publicly for anyone so that
was that we watched Jeopardy drank snifters of cognac then abruptly he
whirled his beaklike face around and said about his own work what seems
to me definitive: "I have made the most public art of the century.
All other artists are esoteric fakes. Only mine needs no interpretation.
Like the average man, my work articulates nothing but itself and is happy,
pointless, without malice or love, neither good nor bad and has as its
purpose the destruction of the idea of Adam and Eve as models of strict
freedom." There was nothing I could say to that but I remember feeling
I was in the presence of a rare man who seemed no different from a bicycle
a painter a dog a god a Peeping Tom a Jew Adam or Eve
Chapter Nine
from Stephen Berg's
Porno Diva Numero Uno
"the rhino's horn pulverized is prized for its intensification of
sexual desire but in fact it does nothing when swallowed millions of dollars
wasted but what attracted me was its skin its undistracted movements its
silent weight and prehistoric mien 60,000,000 or so year old hulk speed
passion a general sadness homeliness I respect and interpret as its historically
earned definition of life despite that attitude of near tragic gloom or
indifference the rhino maintains an enormous capacity for sexual performance
outfucking any other mammal alive actually I researched this and planned
to make a piece dedicated to the black rhino consisting of the way the
Jews are born with something like a wildness gene schmaltzy conflict gene
so the rhino has his bleak narrow face can't even see you facing you because
of the placement of his eyes on the sides is forced to turn his head in
order to see what's in front of him I was saying though the piece I wanted
to make resembled Japanese constructed of Lucky Strike pack foil thread
mah jongg tiles dried dogwood petals kidney beans then I knew I'd need
some absolutely invincible material to fashion the rhino's penis since
in erection it can extend from 2 to 4 feet that's the truth 4 feet so
it looks like he's straddling a rocket also stubby little flaps on either
side of its immense dong one on each side of the shaft to keep it inside
the female while it prongs her the rhino fucks poorly nevertheless I mean
awkwardly because it has difficulty wielding its foelike dick and must
manoeuvre usually for hours before it can enter its mate so in the animal
kingdom there is no other with such a plow well what material did I pick
to exhibit portray express those ridiculous art words this wonder it took
me (you know me and time) about 2 years to decide and I chose a Maserati
Formula 1 rear axle brand new uninstalled absolutely pristine steel what
I wanted was something like a floating flimsy see-through body I'd use
celluloid or plastic for the main section flecked with foil petals and
beans then I'd attach this light-as-air angelic contraption to the axle
tilted downward from the groin at the back into the mud replica pedestal
rectangular 20 feet long 5 feet wide I called Maserati but they refused
to supply a lone axle and certainly not for the project I outlined so
I was left with the unrealized facts of the case stories by zookeepers
one especially who supervised the mating of a rhino that had grown tired
of its mate they wanted to use him to screw for a baby rhino born in captivity
so they flew in a young female to interest the old guy and it worked but
while he waited refusing to fuck his too-familiar mate in the season he'd
get these gigantic hard-ons and his keepers would take a cage brush long-handled
sweeper bristles four feet across and masturbate the beast by rubbing
it up and down his cock the sight apparently was dazzling a rhino when
it fucks and comes can go on for about an hour hour and a half and comes
each minute that's about 60 orgasms per hour this spectacle was documented
by the zoo staff in Minneapolis and one a woman said she had to dash home
and take a cold shower is that why they're nearly extinct now because
they can do it so much better irreverent mindless gods who knows but this
became a myth that haunts on certain days what's left of my mind inspiring
maddening hilarious without the Maserati axle I'm afraid I gave up I keep
the other materials for I did get started in a plain shoebox (about the
shape the pedestal would have been) marked the God among us that never
came to be though still pay homage automatically telling myself the story
picturing the sacred size and carefree use that bastard can put his pleasure
to on the artificial veldt it was sad not to construct the one animal
replica that might have said it all so instead I did the Given".
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